“Hello! Come on in, today’s the day, we’re celebrating!”

“Er…celebrating what, exactly?”

“The dawn of a new era. The post-Covid world. The end of the dark days of lockdowns, masks and isolation. Scotland’s bright, new beginning. And we’re marking it with a new venture, our latest product, ‘Celebration of Life’. Won’t you join us?”

“Er, ‘Celebration of Life’? What’s that when it’s at home?”

“A bright, new drink for a bright, new age. But this is not just a drink, it’s a celebration of facing death, pulling through the hard times and emerging, bloody but unbowed, on the far shore. Rebirth in liquid form, if you will. Not to mention paving the way to the Highlands’ post-pandemic financial future.”

“Doesn’t sound much like a new age to me. I mean, flogging booze in Scotland is hardly groundbreaking stuff, is it?”

“Ah, but we aren’t flogging booze, as you put it. We’re selling much more than a mere drink, exquisite potion though it is.”

“OK, well what’s so special about it? No, no, don’t tell me, it’s got organically foraged ingredients or the bottles are all made out of recycled carrier bags or something.”

“Well, yes, our ingredients are all locally sourced and, as you’d expect, the bottles are carbon neutral, but the secret of its success lies in our unique marketing strategy. You see, our customers will be purchasing something infinitely more valuable than a delicious beverage. Rather, they’ll be buying into a whole new lifestyle. As I said, rebirth in liquid form. Actually, I think it’s safe to say that once you’ve experienced our product you’ll never look at the world the same way again.”

“Yeah, well, the last person who used that slogan was Timothy Leary, and look what happened to him. And anyway, the idea of selling a whole new lifestyle’s pretty dated too, isn’t it? But OK, go on then, I challenge you, convince me to buy this stuff.”

“Ah, but I don’t have to convince you to buy it. In fact, we’re giving the first drink away for free. Here, go ahead, help yourself.”

“Free? Really? Well, I don’t see how that’s going to make you any money but, all right then, thanks very much. Cheers!”

“So, what do you think?”

“Nice! Definitely gets the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval. I mean, it’s got a hell of a kick, but it goes down a treat. Very moreish I must say. Er… any chance of a refill?”

“Certainly, but I’m afraid that, as I said, only the first drink is free. A second costs £5,000.”

“What?? Do you seriously expect me to cough up that much for another?”

“Of course. The second drink contains the antidote…”

Malcolm Timperley