(wi’ apologies to Loch Lomond and Rabbie Burns)

O, ye’ll tak’ the High Street, and I’ll tak’ the back lane,
And I’ll be in Broonies afore you,
For me and my best fieres will always meet again
In the bonny, bonny bars of MacBroonies.

O, you’ll tak’ Belhaven, and I’ll tak’ McEwans,
And I’ll get fu’ bevvied afore you,
And if we feel the need of a wee bit more to drink,
We’ll top up wi’ a glass of Morangie.

Tam’s oot the door, he’s fightin’ fit,
Jus’ back fae Afghanistan,
He stumbles bletherin’ doon the street,
Followed by the Taliban.

He looks around, he knows they’re there,
He hits a drunk, then hits the floor,
The van comes up and loads him in,
The polis’s awa’ wi’ the ex-service man.

O Jeannie with the light-brown legs,
An hour ago ye had me randy,
But now my rod’s so weak and wet
I couldnae manage houghmagandie.

Ye cam into the street so sweet,
Teeterin’ on yer narrow pins
But lookin’ as if ye’re goin’ to puke;
May God forgive us all our sins.

Leslie Stevenson